“This is where I am now; this is how I got here; and these are some of the reasons why I think/feel/act as I do”

Hunt, 2006b

Ok, so this is where I am now, sat in our quickly thrown together home office on a dull rainy morning, wondering how much longer I need to get up at 5:30am to beat the kids out of bed for some peace and quiet whilst working. That’s quite literally where I am. Where am I figuratively…well that’s more complex. It’s July 2020 and we’re starting to get back to some form of normality following almost 4 months of lockdown. I feel relieved, happy, changed, excited that things are getting back to the new normal. But there’s also a niggle, a sadness or disappointment somewhere deep inside about going back that I can’t quite put my finger on.

It’s the question mark over that feeling of disappointment that has driven me to do some reflection.

Reflective practice is something I became passionate about at University and I’ve recently had the opportunity to teach the subject while working as a Sessional Lecturer. I did my dissertation on reflective practice and found it a very challenging process, sometimes upsetting but, in the end, very satisfying. I gained self awareness and learned lessons which I would take forward to help me in my career and life in general. At the time I remember thinking “I will always make time for reflection”, and well…I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong I do reflect on sessions I’ve run and look for lessons learned or how I’ve managed a situation and how I might do it differently next time. But I haven’t made time for ‘true’ reflective practice, the deeper analysis of why I acted that way, why do I feel like this. So when I started to have these conflicting feelings relating to lockdown and the return to normality, I felt it might be a good opportunity to dust off the reflective muscles.

As I sat pondering how to start unpicking some of this, I kept coming back to how I felt initially – the ‘near the surface’ feelings of relief, happiness and excitement and wondering “what’s led me to feel this way?”….cue brainstorm….and what I came up with are the following reasons for these emotions:

Not having to work with the kids anymore – I’m sure anyone can sympathise that working at home with a 2 and a 3 year old is going to be a challenge. Add into the mix potty training and you have some pretty interesting interruptions whilst trying to discuss apprenticeships with your colleagues “mammy look what I’ve done….errrm can I ring you back”. Also, the feelings of guilt as you plonk them in front of endless episodes of Peppa Pig or say SHHHHHHH, please be quiet at least 10 times an hour.

Getting to see people’s faces in real life – I’ve missed meeting people in person, I am much more comfortable in a room with someone than I am in a virtual environment. Why is this? The virtual environment leaves little space for the social aspects you get during physical meetings, the nod of mutual agreement as you catch your co-workers eye across the room, the ability to ‘read the room’ and use body language and expressions to get an idea of how people are receiving what you’re saying. I also feel ‘watched’ in a virtual environment – I know I am looked at during physical meetings but there’s something uncomfortable about it in the virtual room. Maybe it’s a confidence issue, but why does it feel so amplified in the virtual environment?!

Having some routine back – the excitement of having time for work and time for other activities instead of feeling blurred. I’ve felt very supported by work who have made it clear that family is the priority and this has been a constant source of reassurance. However, because I have a drive to get on and get things done, I’ve found myself stealing hours at unusual times of day or whenever the situation presents itself, in order to keep work moving along. This approach has left me feeling that, on some days, I constantly jump from being a professional, to being a mammy..…and, “oh does that washing need putting on?” I want to keep all the plates spinning but wonder if I’m not spinning any of them particularly well. Others might accept this as being a product of the situation we are in and not worry about it. I have found this hard to do. I think…or know, I can be a bit of a perfectionist and, as a result, I’ve just felt like I’m failing at everything most of the time.

‘A little’ less anxious about the whole situation – Covid is still very much here and hasn’t gone away but it’s nice to feel a little less anxious about it.

I’m sure there are many more factors which have contributed to my sense of relief and happiness but these are the key aspects. So WHY, with so many reasons to feel joyful, do I still feel SAD that lockdown is ending. Cue another brainstorm…and I find myself listing some of the same subjects as above, but putting a slightly different perspective on them:

Working at home with the kids – When I returned to work last year and the kids started nursery, I accepted that this signified the end of my chapter of being at home with them day in, day out. I was sad about this at the time but also happy to get back to work and have that balance. Then suddenly they are back in my life full time – and, although this has been challenging for the reasons outlined above, “mammy stop working Scarlett has missed the potty” (no further detail required!), it has also been lovely to spend this time with them. We are having more family meals together and the pace of life has become slower as I’m not rushing to or from work so I don’t miss the nursery collection. A key turning point for me on this issue, came during a meeting which included some senior figures, one of whom who also had childcare responsibilities. Part way through she had to abandon the meeting to attend to a toddler meltdown…..and…..the world continued turning, the meeting progressed and concluded successfully. I think, at this point, I let go a bit and became a bit more relaxed about things. The belief that everyone else in the same situation as me was getting on fine was shattered. We all had similar issues, but people were understanding and we were all doing our best.

Not seeing people in the conventional ways – This has led to much more creative ways of keeping in touch with people, and I’m now regularly reconnecting with people I wouldn’t see very often via online quizzes, virtual beer gardens, posting letters to loved ones etc. I’ve also noticed a real sense of community in all aspects of my life. For example, our neighbourhood coffee mornings and in the way people have come together at work. There almost seems to be more connectedness as a result of the separation. There is also a real drive forward in terms of utilising technology – at first I felt completely left behind with this as other colleagues got to grips with the new ways of working, while I was still stuck trying to work out how to balance other priorities. As time has progressed I’ve now embraced technology rather than fearing it and, although I hope it doesn’t fully replace physical meetings, I also hope it won’t go away. Perhaps I have taken back control through embracing being a little out of control!

Routine vs flexibility – I love a plan. I’m 100% ‘J’ on the Myers Brigg’s scale. BUT having found myself in a situation where plans have had to be more fluid and working much more flexibly, I’ve felt a sense of liberation. It’s nice to be able to stick a wash on and peg it out to give yourself 5 minutes away from the desk. I’ve even quite enjoyed working from 6am so I can finish work a bit earlier.

So where does all this this leave me? Hunt (2006a) states “our lives are constantly re-storied in light of new events”, and this has been one big event of which we have all been part, but have experienced very differently.

Lockdown has forced me to work out of my comfort zone, it has challenged me and left me feeling defeated at times and, of course, there’s that lingering anxiety. But there is also a whole lot of good which has come out of a bad situation, which I’m not ready to let go of. The question is – do we need to let go or do we learn from the good and carry it forward into our future? For me it has to be the latter. We can’t go back fully. We are already changed but what we can do is, eventually, let go of the bad and take forward the positives we have found…this final thought provides me with some comfort as we move into the new normal.

“Reflection in and of itself is not enough, it must always be linked to how the world can be changed.”

Brookfield 1995, as cited in Hunt 2006b

I used the following sources as it was this author, and these journals which got me passionate about reflective practice whilst studying towards my degree:

Hunt, C (2006a) ‘Travels with a turtle: Metaphors and the making of professional identity’ Reflective practice. 7 (3), pp. 315-332

Hunt, C (2006b) ‘A step too far? Mythopoesis, spirituality and professional reflective practice.’ SCUTREA Conference, Professional Lifelong Learning: Beyond Reflective Practice, University of Leeds

Harriet Robb, Organisational and People Development