Although hideously disillusioned and very pessimistic, I am in fact the happiest and at my most honest to myself I have ever been. Freudian theory is storming back in. I would however like to place all philosophical theories into a sphere of consideration and no more. I had a clear vision where all philosophy was a child’s constructed sand castle sat on the shoreline of an incoming tide.

This impermanence is very important as I develop my thinking and reading towards my possible thesis, framed within the manifestation of self-identity. The core theme is that of present or true self-expression. But the vehicle is creative therapeutics and protection of SEN within education at all levels.

This is a present and core ideology of several writers and creatives. What drives us to feel a sense of purpose of value and are these just social constructs.

Who are you? This often evokes a fear, a drop in the background of the perceived identity of today. The truths we tell ourselves, the assumptions bubbling to the surface of todays state of self.

As we grow and we learn about gaining things or positions that make us feel good about ourselves we are led to believe this has a deeper value than it does. Social determinants of happiness are like insta-fame etc. More and more popular. Carl Marx refers to it as consumer fetishism. I have taken steps to deconstruct these ideas, and have found that in fact, once you look for a more sustained period rather than swipe left or right that it’s all smoke and mirrors.

Our reality is only present and will only ever be. When you look at your child that connection is a reality. When you think about being a good parent in the future that’s a social determinant or false value.

• 

Does that help? No okay read on…

So, I am reading the work of Lacan but it’s almost impenetrable as sadly lots of philosophy can be. I have found a translation by Zizek. Essentially its central premise is that of social demise. This is since we can no longer determine contentment in its raw sense (How can we decipher truths as they have been replaced by lies and then re-packaged as a truth repeated and believed).

You then create and monetise space for people suggesting that rewilding and getting back to something like sitting within a therapy circle or a Yurt in a London suburb on an away day with other lost searchers is going to offer a permanence.

No…. The reality is the permanence. A sustained and focused period within a place of darkness in all its connotations is needed. What I mean is the philosophical darkness of pessimistic theories and those suggesting that the true beauty is the juxtaposition of living within the pain and discomfort of the realities of the everyday. Schopenhauer was right in part with his suggestion that life is a pendulum moving between pain and boredom. If you read it in its simple form then your convinced it’s a negative statement but the spaces that exist along that pendulum’s movement can be true unabridged contentment. We just disregard and move on as its cant be true. That would be utter madness. wouldn’t it?

I often self sooth. Sit with headphones on, no music but sound reduction. I listen to my breathing and feel instantly calmer. This is what we all need to do. Not pretend that cold submersion, yoga, packaged mindfulness is anything other than a temporary distraction. We are driven to a perceived and vacuous pursuit of happiness. Like a dog chasing its tail we have a dizzy and confused society. That’s commodity or consumer fetishism…

We are being separated from the truest happiness. The true self… this happens at birth. The separation from your birth mother. Then it’s a slow social method of separation from self. Especially if it is seen as counter cultural. I refuse to be forced into that painful paradigm. I have a more painful one that I construct myself. Ghosts of all ages, surrounding the psychic prison of the every day. The addicts walk is just that. I don’t want it. but I feel this aching need… it will stop me feeling this way, it will stop the pain of self-separation for a moment.

Within ‘his dark material’s’ we are left to think about this separation in a more powerful and dramatised way. What remains true is the child found separated from his spirit animal. In a state of living but also dying. This reminds me of the separation we force upon children within education when they dare to show alternative patterns of learning or behaviour. I have a wonderful spectrum of needs and my employer is very aware of this. They are special needs but they are special to me.

A light beam of knowledge,
Yes, they can see the refracted colours,
but the prism is mine.

So, I put out my hand to all those like me. Aching for a social pain killer but aware that just one taste will draw you to that place of complete self-destruction. You are loved by me…

It’s not about poetry it never has been. It’s just me standing hear in my blog space telling you that now at this moment you are loved. You are enough and you are precious to self. Your all precious Butterfly flames and I adore you all for being happy enough to wear your hearts on your sleeves. Aware of the risks…

Go and find others. Sit without judgement alongside them and look up at the light.

Only the lost are free
 
Stare at the light with me.
Sitting in a pit
Staring up… thinking
It’s okay to be in the dark places
Come stare at the light with me.
 
I don’t want to be no Icarus
I don’t want to be your kind of free
Come rest in the pit
Down hear in the dark
Stare at the light with me
  
I don’t want a mother called Theresa
I don’t want to see
Come rest down hear with the other lost folks
Stare at the light with me
 
I don’t want your praise or adoration
The Vacuous fame of the desperate
1000 likes from who?
I am happy to sleep with my rocks
Come stare at the light with me
 
I don’t want the wealth of the forgotten
I don’t want the bloodstained unwashed hands
Come settle down hear with the scum
And stare at the light with me
 
Yes, I am contented and unconcerned
Why does that upset you?
I have a joy in my position down hear with the addicts
Come stare at the light with me
 
Don’t talk to me about reaching your potential
I am happy to just be.
I ask for rags not riches
Come stare at the light with me
 
You say I don’t engage with help
That I have some socially defined disability
But have you ever been in the dark
Staring up in to sky
Well come then down here and stare at the light with me.
 
I choose to bathe in the waters of
Inequality,
inequity,
inconsistency,
inconsequentiality
As I am left true to me.
  
You bath in your waters of
self-righteousness,
affluence,
lies,
social manipulation,
self-preservation,
ignorance,
anger and fear.
Never happy like Lady Macbeth.

You look down to the pit with fear.
Because I stare up to the light with joy.