{"id":4205,"date":"2020-07-10T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-07-10T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/staffdevelopment\/?p=4205"},"modified":"2020-07-10T00:13:19","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T23:13:19","slug":"where-am-i-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/staffdevelopment\/where-am-i-now\/","title":{"rendered":"Where am I now?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u201cThis is where I am now; this is how I got here; and these are some of the reasons why I think\/feel\/act as I do\u201d <\/p>Hunt, 2006b<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Ok, so this is where I am now, sat in our quickly thrown together home office on a dull rainy morning, wondering how much longer I need to get up at 5:30am to beat the kids out of bed for some peace and quiet whilst working. That\u2019s quite literally where I am. Where am I figuratively\u2026well that\u2019s more complex. It\u2019s July 2020 and we\u2019re starting to get back to some form of normality following almost 4 months of lockdown. I feel relieved, happy, changed, excited that things are getting back to the new normal. But there\u2019s also a niggle, a sadness or disappointment somewhere deep inside about going back that I can\u2019t quite put my finger on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s the question mark over that feeling of disappointment that has driven me to do some reflection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reflective practice is something I became passionate about at University and I\u2019ve recently had the opportunity to teach the subject while working as a Sessional Lecturer. I did my dissertation on reflective practice and found it a very challenging process, sometimes upsetting but, in the end, very satisfying. I gained self awareness and learned lessons which I would take forward to help me in my career and life in general. At the time I remember thinking \u201cI will always make time for reflection\u201d, and well\u2026I didn\u2019t. Don\u2019t get me wrong I do reflect on sessions I\u2019ve run and look for lessons learned or how I\u2019ve managed a situation and how I might do it differently next time. But I haven\u2019t made time for \u2018true\u2019 reflective practice, the deeper analysis of why I acted that way, why do I feel like this. So when I started to have these conflicting feelings relating to lockdown and the return to normality, I felt it might be a good opportunity to dust off the reflective muscles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I sat pondering how to start unpicking some of this, I kept coming back to how I felt initially – the \u2018near the surface\u2019 feelings of relief, happiness and excitement and wondering “what\u2019s led me to feel this way?”\u2026.cue brainstorm\u2026.and what I came up with are the following reasons for these emotions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not having to work with the kids anymore<\/strong> \u2013 I\u2019m sure anyone can sympathise that working at home with a 2 and a 3 year old is going to be a challenge. Add into the mix potty training and you have some pretty interesting interruptions whilst trying to discuss apprenticeships with your colleagues \u201cmammy look what I\u2019ve done\u2026.errrm can I ring you back\u201d. Also, the feelings of guilt as you plonk them in front of endless episodes of Peppa Pig or say SHHHHHHH, please be quiet at least 10 times an hour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Nodding but not always listening to team updates as you\u2019re distracted by the fact they\u2019ve made a fort out of the living room sofa and are precariously balanced on top. And wondering how other people appear to be managing at home with kids when clearly you can\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why will I be pleased to see the back of time with the mini co-workers? Well, I like a challenge but this challenge is a step too far and I don\u2019t like the feeling of failing. Also, if I\u2019m totally honest with myself, I prefer to be in control and have felt wildly out of it when it comes to balancing work with the needs of the kids.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Getting to see people\u2019s faces in real life<\/strong> \u2013 I\u2019ve missed meeting people in person, I am much more comfortable in a room with someone than I am in a virtual environment. Why is this? The virtual environment leaves little space for the social aspects you get during physical meetings, the nod of mutual agreement as you catch your co-workers eye across the room, the ability to \u2018read the room\u2019 and use body language and expressions to get an idea of how people are receiving what you\u2019re saying. I also feel \u2018watched\u2019 in a virtual environment – I know I am looked at during physical meetings but there\u2019s something uncomfortable about it in the virtual room. Maybe it\u2019s a confidence issue, but why does it feel so amplified in the virtual environment?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Having some routine back<\/strong> \u2013 the excitement of having time for work and time for other activities instead of feeling blurred. I\u2019ve felt very supported by work who have made it clear that family is the priority and this has been a constant source of reassurance. However, because I have a drive to get on and get things done, I\u2019ve found myself stealing hours at unusual times of day or whenever the situation presents itself, in order to keep work moving along. This approach has left me feeling that, on some days, I constantly jump from being a professional, to being a mammy..\u2026and, “oh does that washing need putting on?” I want to keep all the plates spinning but wonder if I’m not spinning any of them particularly well. Others might accept this as being a product of the situation we are in and not worry about it. I have found this hard to do. I think…or know, I can be a bit of a perfectionist and, as a result, I\u2019ve just felt like I\u2019m failing at everything most of the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018A little\u2019 less anxious about the whole situation<\/strong> \u2013 Covid is still very much here and hasn\u2019t gone away but it\u2019s nice to feel a little less anxious about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m sure there are many more factors which have contributed to my sense of relief and happiness but these are the key aspects. So WHY, with so many reasons to feel joyful, do I still feel SAD that lockdown is ending. Cue another brainstorm\u2026and I find myself listing some of the same subjects as above, but putting a slightly different perspective on them:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Working at home with the kids<\/strong> \u2013 When I returned to work last year and the kids started nursery, I accepted that this signified the end of my chapter of being at home with them day in, day out. I was sad about this at the time but also happy to get back to work and have that balance. Then suddenly they are back in my life full time \u2013 and, although this has been challenging for the reasons outlined above, \u201cmammy stop working Scarlett has missed the potty\u201d (no further detail required!), it has also been lovely to spend this time with them. We are having more family meals together and the pace of life has become slower as I\u2019m not rushing to or from work so I don\u2019t miss the nursery collection. A key turning point for me on this issue, came during a meeting which included some senior figures, one of whom who also had childcare responsibilities. Part way through she had to abandon the meeting to attend to a toddler meltdown\u2026..and\u2026..the world continued turning, the meeting progressed and concluded successfully. I think, at this point, I let go a bit and became a bit more relaxed about things. The belief that everyone else in the same situation as me was getting on fine was shattered. We all had similar issues, but people were understanding and we were all doing our best.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not seeing people in the conventional ways<\/strong> \u2013 This has led to much more creative ways of keeping in touch with people, and I’m now regularly reconnecting with people I wouldn\u2019t see very often via online quizzes, virtual beer gardens, posting letters to loved ones etc. I\u2019ve also noticed a real sense of community in all aspects of my life. For example, our neighbourhood coffee mornings and in the way people have come together at work. There almost seems to be more connectedness as a result of the separation. There is also a real drive forward in terms of utilising technology \u2013 at first I felt completely left behind with this as other colleagues got to grips with the new ways of working, while I was still stuck trying to work out how to balance other priorities. As time has progressed I\u2019ve now embraced technology rather than fearing it and, although I hope it doesn\u2019t fully replace physical meetings, I also hope it won\u2019t go away. Perhaps I have taken back control through embracing being a little out of control!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Routine vs flexibility<\/strong> \u2013 I love a plan. I\u2019m 100% \u2018J\u2019 on the Myers Brigg\u2019s scale. BUT having found myself in a situation where plans have had to be more fluid and working much more flexibly, I\u2019ve felt a sense of liberation. It\u2019s nice to be able to stick a wash on and peg it out to give yourself 5 minutes away from the desk. I\u2019ve even quite enjoyed working from 6am so I can finish work a bit earlier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So where does all this this leave me? Hunt (2006a) states \u201cour lives are constantly re-storied in light of new events\u201d, and this has been one big event of which we have all been part, but have experienced very differently. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lockdown has forced me to work out of my comfort zone, it has challenged me and left me feeling defeated at times and, of course, there\u2019s that lingering anxiety. But there is also a whole lot of good which has come out of a bad situation, which I\u2019m not ready to let go of. The question is – do we need to let go or do we learn from the good and carry it forward into our future? For me it has to be the latter. We can\u2019t go back fully. We are already changed but what we can do is, eventually, let go of the bad and take forward the positives we have found\u2026this final thought provides me with some comfort as we move into the new normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cReflection in and of itself is not enough, it must always be linked to how the world can be changed.\u201d<\/p>Brookfield 1995, as cited in Hunt 2006b<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

I used the following sources as it was this author, and these journals which got me passionate about reflective practice whilst studying towards my degree:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hunt, C (2006a) \u2018Travels with a turtle: Metaphors and the making of professional identity\u2019 Reflective practice. <\/em>7 <\/strong>(3), pp. 315-332<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hunt, C (2006b) \u2018A step too far? Mythopoesis, <\/em>spirituality and professional reflective practice.\u2019 SCUTREA Conference, Professional Lifelong Learning: Beyond Reflective Practice, <\/em>University of Leeds<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Harriet Robb, Organisational and People Development<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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