{"id":4757,"date":"2018-05-10T12:00:43","date_gmt":"2018-05-10T11:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/?p=4757"},"modified":"2018-05-16T14:00:05","modified_gmt":"2018-05-16T13:00:05","slug":"disabled-to-enabled-anxiety-my-weakness-and-my-strength","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/disabled-to-enabled-anxiety-my-weakness-and-my-strength\/","title":{"rendered":"Disabled to Enabled: Anxiety; my weakness and my strength"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The Employability and Skills team is interested in hearing student voices! We put a call out on our CCCU Careers and Disability Facebook group, asking students to share their experiences, both in life and in the workplace. Here student Rebekah shares her experience of balancing anxiety, depression and student life. Read on for her story.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

My palms are sweaty.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Knees weak, arms are heavy.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The thought of vomit on my sweater in front of everyone in this lecture theatre fills me with debilitating anxiety.<\/p>\n

So does walking into the lecture room, finding a seat in the lecture room, listening to the lecturer, taking notes, asking questions during the lecture, breathing during the lecture, (don\u2019t even get me started on group work), doing the assigned reading, completing assignments, sitting exams, and the rest of life in general. University is supposed to be difficult: that\u2019s what everyone says. When I say, \u2018university is difficult\u2019, what I mean is, \u2018my debilitating anxiety and depression makes university much more difficult than it really should be\u2019.<\/p>\n

The World Health Organisation states that, at present, 40% of disability worldwide is due to depression and anxiety. Obviously, I\u2019m not happy that so many people have anxiety and depression, but the widespread nature of the disability means that the people that do have it, myself included, can receive help and understanding much more easily, and it defeats stigma in a massive way. However, admittedly, I sometimes feel desensitised about my own condition, and I worry that people may feel the same way.<\/p>\n

When talking to a disability adviser about special arrangements for sitting an examination, (N.B. if I sit in the main hall with everyone else it feels like my chest could explode at any second), I said, \u201cI feel like I\u2019m being a bit of a baby. I mean, everyone gets nervous about exams, don\u2019t they?\u201d And I was reminded: \u201csometimes, exam nerves can be a good thing, and can help you get the job done. The difference between exam nerves and an anxiety disorder is that yours is incapacitating rather than strengthening.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I understood that by talking to people and asking for help, I wasn\u2019t asking for special treatment, I\u2019m asking to level the playing field: to make life at university accessible for me and my needs. Depression and anxiety is okay to talk about. In fact, sometimes it\u2019s even better to talk about it than to leave people wondering. If you don\u2019t tell someone, how can you expect them to understand?<\/p>\n

For example, I\u2019m not amazing at attending social events, for obvious reasons, but I am a Christian: I love God, and I love music, so joining the university\u2019s Gospel Choir seemed like a no-brainer. On one of the first weeks I attended last year, we were told to write our name and contact details, and any special requirements on a little form.\u00a0 Although I\u2019m fairly sure it meant for people to write food allergies or something, I scrawled \u201canxiety\u201d at the bottom and handed it in.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever spoken to the choirmaster in any further detail about it than a quick text saying, \u201ccan\u2019t come today, feeling a bit anxious\/depressed\/all of the above\u201d, I know that if I hadn\u2019t written that one word at the bottom of the form, he wouldn\u2019t fully understand why I couldn\u2019t attend Gospel Choir that week.<\/p>\n

Part of my anxiety and depression feeds off recognising the worst-case scenario as reality. My anxiety says, \u201chow am I ever going to write this essay in a week? What if I don\u2019t get the grade that I want?\u201d, and my depression says, \u201cdon\u2019t even bother trying with the essay, you\u2019re only going to fail it.\u201d My depression says, \u201cI physically can\u2019t leave the house for Gospel Choir today,\u201d and my anxiety says \u201cGreat. Now Vince, the choirmaster, thinks you don\u2019t care about Gospel Choir and he\u2019s going to exile you.\u201d<\/p>\n

There are hormones and all sorts of chemicals in my brain that either work too much or not enough, and that, apparently, is why I think this way, and I can\u2019t stop those thoughts from manifesting.<\/p>\n

What I can<\/em> do, is fight against those thoughts. \u201cHow am I ever going to write this essay in a week?\u201d becomes a tutorial with an understanding lecturer asking for an extension, so that I can stay calm and do my best. \u201cI physically can\u2019t leave the house for Gospel Choir today\u201d turns into an e-mail or text to Vince, explaining that I\u2019m not feeling my best and that I do, in fact, still care about Gospel Choir.<\/p>\n

I used to think that the people who I told would think I was weak, or not trying hard enough, and so I struggled in silence. But ever since I spoke to them about how I feel and what that means, I know that they understand I\u2019m really struggling, and I know they want to do anything they can to make life at university accessible for me.<\/p>\n

In the future, I would love to work for an animation company (#PIXAR). One of my favourite animations, Inside Out<\/em>, explores the idea that all your emotions are helpful, and that being sad or anxious can sometimes be a good thing. Ellen Degeneres (my hero), once said in an interview on Finding Dory<\/em>, that \u201cher disability becomes her strength.\u201d<\/p>\n

In my job at the minute, alertness is required to keep everyone safe and everything running smoothly. I believe that my anxiety helps me to be extra aware of the goings on, in a way that an employee without anxiety couldn\u2019t do. My disability has therefore become my strength at work.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re feeling dis<\/u><\/strong>abled at university, don\u2019t be afraid to ask for help, like I did, in order to become en<\/u><\/strong>abled. One of the main ways that I have felt enabled is through the Chaplaincy. I never, in my wildest dreams thought that I would ever feel confident enough to play in the worship band in the chapel, but it has quickly become the highlight of my week. Not only this, but if you have any problem at all, big or small, the Chaplaincy are there to lend an ear, and give practical advice. (N.B. e-mail them at chaplaincy@canterbury.ac.uk<\/a> or ring them on 01227 782538)<\/p>\n

One thing that I\u2019ve learned about going through university with depression and anxiety is that there are so many more opportunities for feeling accomplished. What fills me with pride is knowing that when I graduate next year, whatever it says on the fancy-looking scroll-thing, and whatever results I emerge with, I know that I will have achieved it despite<\/u><\/strong> having my own difficulties.<\/p>\n

But, I don\u2019t even have to look that far ahead; there are so many little accomplishments that I should be commending myself for, every day: I asked a question in a lecture today, I got a first in that essay, or I made it along to Gospel Choir. I\u2019m not dis<\/u><\/strong>abled, because during my two years at university I have been en<\/u><\/strong>abled by the people surrounding me: Chaplains, lecturers, and even Gospel Choirmasters have all helped to make the university experience a level playing field.<\/p>\n

Our Facebook group<\/a> is for students with seen or unseen disabilities, for support with developing employability.\u00a0Interested in submitting an article on your\u00a0own experiences? Visit the group<\/a> now!<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Employability and Skills team is interested in hearing student voices! We put a call out on our CCCU Careers and Disability Facebook group, asking students to share their experiences, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":88085,"featured_media":13,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,38,37,41,5,53],"tags":[25,18,21,30],"class_list":["post-4757","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-alumni","category-current-students","category-for-you","category-graduates","category-news","category-university-staff","tag-alumni","tag-current-students","tag-graduates","tag-university-staff"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"authorName":"Christina Ackah-Annobil","featuredImage":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/506\/2016\/12\/blogs-holding680x453.jpg","postExcerpt":"The Employability and Skills team is interested in hearing student voices! We put a call out on our CCCU Careers and Disability Facebook group, asking students to share their experiences, […]","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4757","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/88085"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4757"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4757\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4790,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4757\/revisions\/4790"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4757"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4757"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.canterbury.ac.uk\/careers\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4757"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}